By "French provincial styling" they don't mean the part where you're lost and need a shower. They mean it's lovely and romantic.

Ah, the stylish French countryside! Signs you can't read, smells you can't identify, and a bunch of wine-loving farmers who really would rather you'd go back home to Freedomvile, USA and leave them be. Yet, are we any different? Some rich French guy comes around making fun of your housing development, you'd deck 'em in the n'est–ce pases!

And maybe that's why, deep down, America and France are comrades in arms. No matter what jokes those lousy British comic book writers try to force down our throats. After all, when's the last time you looked at a 5-Piece Patio Set and said "Oh, that reminds me of what I'd sit on at a British chippy!" Face it, outside of Kit Kats and the stuff we see on PBS, the British have nothing to offer America. Isn't that why we broke up with them in the first place?

Whereas France... well! If you say a patio looks like a French cafe, everyone races to come and see. Imagine sitting with four adults and looking elegant on powder-coated aluminum chairs, a faint accordion in the air, while down the street an adulterous couple have their fourth breakup of the week. Across the 37" Square Table the newspapers are spread, and on every page you find an ad for yet another absinthe club. Your companion raises a buttered snail in salute, and you return it with a forkful of warm cheese. PURE. FREAKING. CLASS.

Don't fear the French. Love the French. They're just like us, really. Not like those Canadians. Sheesh. Can you even BELIEVE how POLITE they are?

Back to top