There's only one way you're ever going to get rid of your pickled eggs and outdated candy bars. And that's to open an outdoor movie theater. Cars optional.

When you made two gross, you didn't think it was too gross. But now, here you are, sitting on your big empty lawn with 200 jars of pickled eggs in the basement. You've only really got two options. The first is to get really drunk and really hungry. But the second, better option? Open an outdoor movie theater!

With a 92" screen, you'll attract the attention of your neighbors, sure. But you'll also attract the attention of passers-by. And it's those passers-by who are going to be your cash cow.

"Oh, how 1950s!" they'll say as they see the way the black-backed screen blocks light from behind. "We must review this for our friends in the city! And by the way, how much for a pickled egg?" And you'll say something outrageous like twelve-fifty, and they'll laugh and say "It's much more expensive in the city!" and you'll have one less jar of pickled eggs in your cellar.

Two weeks later, at six o'clock PM, you'll see the line of cars coming over the hill. You'll smile, walk to your carrying bag, find the four stakes, and set up the screen. Maybe you'll show Annie Hall, or maybe 8 1/2, or maybe the little-seen Battleship Potemkin II: Return Of The Stairs, or maybe blockbuster smash hit Miami Connection. Whatever you show, you'll know the people coming to enjoy your Outdoor Movie Screen are going to laugh, cry, and have fun.

And as long as they each eat at least one pickled egg a night, you'll have them all gone before the end of summer.

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