Know what I hate? Wires.

Bird on a Wire? Least favorite movie.

Guy reading a copy of Wired Magazine on the bus? Leave your personal fetishes at home, Elon.

Had waaay too much caffeine? I hate that feeling.

"But Stan," you might say, "wires are an important conductor of electrons!"

First of all, my name is Michael. I mean, why would you just assume that... you know, forget it.

And secondly, I'd like to introduce you to a little friend of mine called the air. That's right, there's a little-known technology that's existed for more than a hundred years that can send signals wirelessly through the air! No need for your depraved wires mucking up walls or lying on the floor, openly taunting your feet.

So when I realized I needed some sort of defense against deviants and weirdos bringing their disgusting wires into my home, I chose the SimpliSafe Wireless Home Security System. The easy-to-install eight-piece sensor package comes with lithium ion batteries and has optional 24/7 professional monitoring.

Now I'm safe in the knowledge that some crazed psychopath isn't going to creep into my house and garrote me with – you guessed it – piano wire.

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