Owning a SimpliSafe will help you see the burglar before they get inside. So you can throw them a little party!

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"SURPRIIIIIISE!"

Aw, don't look so scared there Mr. Burglar! We're just welcoming you to our home! We saw you coming thanks to our SimpliSafe security system! Hey, come over here, I want you to meet my neighbor, Jack. We had a bet if you'd pick my house or his. You won me five bucks!

No, no, don't try to run. You're in this for the long haul now. I knew the moment I saw you in that black mask and striped suit, you were the sort of burglar I wanted to meet! So classical! Here, have some cake. That's right, it's yellow with chocolate icing. Your favorite! See, there's a 500 foot range on our SimpliSafe, so we had time to do a little research after picking you up on the SimplySafe's motion detectors.

Oh, right, sorry, you probably didn't know. I work for the CIA so I made a few calls and- nope, you're not getting away before we open the champagne! So chill out, Mr. Burglar- or should I say, David Stevens of 1431 Oak Avenue  -and have a little fun! Do you want to meet the kids? Kids! Come meet our burglar! That's right, the one SimpliSafe detected for us! Maybe if you're really nice he'll let you hold his big bag labeled "Swag" for a few minutes!

Seriously, David. Much respect. You really worked on this look, didn't you?

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Oh, no, the SimpleSafe Smoke Alarm's going off! My wife must be burning the pizza bites! It's not her fault, though, I always do the same thing, probably just our oven. Hey, you still like pizza bites, right? You mentioned them in that 6th Grade report so I figured it was worth a shot.

What, did you think they were kidding about the "permanent record" thing?

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